Tanara McCauley

Culturally Imagined Stories

Twice the Miracle (Updated)

nurse

(Originally posted circa April 2013)

I could tell by the look in the nurse’s eyes she wasn’t sure I understood what she’d said. We stared at each other, she with brow lifted waiting for some sign of comprehension on my end, me drifting inside myself with a host of “what ifs” tumbling through my mind.

My twins, due in two months, would be delivered in a matter of hours. The medical staff had done their best to keep them in, and now they had no choice but to take them out surgically.

In part I felt relieved. My son, whose water had burst five days earlier, and whose heart stopped with every contraction, couldn’t possibly survive much longer. I understood the need for such an early delivery. The nurse, however, wanted me to acknowledge the risks: long-term disabilities, breathing difficulties, jaundice, stunted growth, brain defects, perhaps even death. My husband squeezed my hand and spoke for me. Yes, we understood. Yes, we were prepared.

But, no…I wasn’t.

I remember the cold in that room; the blanket tucked around my swollen body warmed me about as effectively as it could’ve warmed a block of ice. I was a new mother who’d never seen or held one of my children. Prepared for the worst? I wanted nothing to do with it.

In my mind’s eye I saw my children alive and healthy, growing and happy, from the first toddled steps to the first days of school, then on to camping trips, family vacations, and game days. That’s what I had prepared for. My heart, which others wanted me to coax into being ready for anything, was defiant and unyielding in its loyalty to the original plan. Come what may, problems and all, I wanted those babies.

But soon enough, as with every other time when my will rushed to the frontlines of battle and tossed it’s proud locks, words buried in my core began to whisper what I knew all along to be true. It wasn’t my choice, and no amount of will could change that. Whether either twin would suck their first breath of God-given air, or pass quietly on to their Maker, was out of my hands.

I had to lay before Him the desire of my heart—that He let my babies live—then plant my will facedown on the floor in submission to His and accept whatever He chose for me. And in all that still know that He loved me, was for me, and would forever be my King. Though the surrender hurt me, it prepared me in the way the doctors and nurses wanted me to be prepared.

What strange creatures we are! What in us makes us believe when we’re willing to let go of something it means we’ve already lost it? For though I still had hope and knew God could not only let the twins live but make them completely healthy, I cringed in preparation for loss.

I look back on that now, nineteen years which seem to have passed as quickly as nineteen glorious sunsets, and I can imagine Him looking down at me on that rather hard, sterile rollaway, His eyes full of compassion as He examined the fears suppressed beneath my brave exterior. He knew I would love Him no matter what—perhaps He just wanted me to know it too—then He blessed me with two healthy, beautiful babies.

SAMSUNG DIGITAL CAMERA

IMG_1397 (1)

Our twins turned nineteen recently. As they reminisce over the fun they had entering the last year of their teens, I sit back and look at them in celebration—not just celebrating their lives, but also glorifying the worthy, mighty Father who gave them life. He who did not spare His own Son spared both my son and my daughter.

And He is now, and will forever be, my King.

tanaramccauley

, ,
, , , , , , ,

21 responses to “Twice the Miracle (Updated)”

  4. Blessings!!! Such a powerfully moving story! Not only do we serve a merciful God but if we contain but a mustard seed worth of faith in our hearts we know that we have but to ask and He wills it so. How glorious are the new grace and mercies bestowed upon us daily!! God is in the blessing business and we’re reminded of it each day. May he CONTINUE to be the head of your life so that you and yours acknowledge such blessings. I’m glad to know that you all are well and even more glad that you all recognize the greatness of the Lord!!

    Like

    Reply

  5. Beautiful, Tanara. Your story brought tears to my eyes. I’ve been in those places where the will is determined to cling to its plans. And then, it has to bow down and yield to God’s plans. Which are always better anyway. Thanks for the reminder that God has good in store for us. Even when things go differently from how we expected.

    Your kids are beautiful!

    Like

    Reply

  8. My lil fella is almost 11. We adopted him when he was 7, he has a twin sister who was adopted by another family. He has been a blessing in our lives. His sisters family has been weird and won’t let them see each other. I don’t know how they can’t see how cruel that is. I’m sure can’t imagine keeping yours apart from each other.

    Like

    Reply

    • That’s horrible they won’t let them see each other. I wouldn’t dream of keeping my two apart. They have a special bond, even when they’re fighting they still want to be near each other (which drives me absolutely batty). Perhaps your son and his sister will be able to connect when she’s old enough to make her own choices. I’ll be praying for them. Blessings to you and your family, Aaron.

      Like

      Reply

  9. great post Tanara!!! beautiful kids!!!, i think of you as my cybertwin, the way you relate to God is almost identical to my response….i am a twin too, 2 girls, fraternal…enjoy these sweet kids now, they are going to change…my son just turned 17…I speak by experience lol 🙂

    Like

    Reply

    • Change? NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Lol. They do change fast, even at this young age. It’s great to see them get older and discover day-by-day who they’re becoming, but at the same time it feels like the time just slips through my fingers. It’s also great having a cybertwin :-). It’s too cool that we relate so well spiritually and then to find out the commonalities we have (you’re a twin, I have twins), God’s hands are always all over and through a thing, aren’t they? 🙂

      Like

      Reply

Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.