• About
  • Contact Tanara

Tanara McCauley

~ Love Knows Color

Tanara McCauley

Tag Archives: surrender

Mercy Despised

15 Friday Aug 2014

Posted by tanaramccauley in Faith, Relationships, and Other Topics

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

bondage, chains, Christ, forgiveness, freedom, grace, inspiration, love, mercy, relationships, repentance, salvation, submission, surrender

chains

Not too long ago I had a wrestling match with my youngest daughter, something we do quite often. This particular day I had to cut our bout short.

I trapped her legs between mine, clamped her arms to her sides and her back to my chest in a one-armed hug, and applied enough pressure so that she could accomplish little more than a wiggle.

She laughed.

“You want me to let go?” I stuck my nose in her neck to tickle-torture an affirmative out of her. After squirming just to double-check my grip, she agreed. “Okay, okay. Let me go.”

“Say ‘mercy.'”

She stiffened. Struggled a little more. Shook her head.

“You want me to let go don’t you?” Nod. “Then say ‘mercy.'” Vigorous head shaking. Then the real battle began. She flexed and pushed and strained and twisted. Breath held. Shoulders stiff. Feet jerking in short kicks.

I held on, amazed by her obstinacy. Between laughing and having to reestablish my hold (she’s a strong one), I’d repeat, “Say ‘mercy.'” And she’d respond with a firm, “No.” Her giggling petered out as she got frustrated.

She wanted me to let go. That had already been established. And she was more than willing to take my offer of mercy if it were unconditional. But a formal surrender? Too proud for that. So proud, in fact, she was willing to get deeper into bondage by struggling, rather than simply say the word “mercy” and receive freedom.

Astounding.

Of course I let her go once her “ha, ha, ha” weakened to “he, he, he” and then became “wa, wa, wa.” She’s four. Smack a kiss on that stubborn cheek and set her free.

It didn’t escape me, however, that the response to Christ by many is sadly no different from that of a pre-schooler. We despise the idea of surrender. And in doing so, despise mercy as well.

There’s bondage aplenty: spiritual, physical, financial, sexual, and too many more to name. If it exists, we splash in it, swim in it, or plunge right in to drown in it.

And if mercy is our unconditional right, if we can live like we want and spend our days how we wish, and Christ’s blood is still for the taking without us ever doing the asking, then by all means shower some mercy on us.

But ask? Surrender? Lay down our pride and open our mouths and admit, “I need You. I can’t do this on my own. I confess that You died for me. I confess You as the only way to forgiveness, the only One who can grant me eternal life, the only One who can save me.”

We’d rather stay where we are–no, descend further into the depths–in our struggle to refuse Him.

It’s a grievous irony, this fight to stay in bondage at the expense of victory which comes through surrender. This wanting to live forever but not wanting the Way, the Truth and the Life. This desire to do it all on our own.

When. We. Simply. Cannot.

The mercy of God in Christ is life. He won’t force it on us, but He is ever offering it to us. Let us not despise it.

“For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, and abundant in mercy to all those who call upon You.” ~Psalm 86:5

 

 

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest

Like this:

Like Loading...

Twice the Miracle

09 Wednesday Apr 2014

Posted by tanaramccauley in Faith, Relationships, and Other Topics, Short Stories, Songs, and Poetry, Writing and Pursuing Publication

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

Bible, Christian, faith, family, miracles, parenting, pregnancy, premature birth, religion, submission, surrender, twins

nurse

I could tell by the look in the nurse’s eyes she wasn’t sure I understood what she was saying. We stared at each other, she with one brow lifted in question for some sign of comprehension on my end; me drifting inside myself with a host of “what if’s” tumbling through my mind.

My twins, due in two months, would be delivered in a matter of hours. The medical staff had done their best to keep them in, and now they had no choice but to take them out surgically.

In part I was relieved. My son, whose water had burst five days earlier, and whose heart stopped with every contraction, couldn’t possibly survive much longer. But the nurse wanted me to acknowledge the risks of such an early delivery: long-term disabilities, breathing difficulties, jaundice, stunted growth, brain defects…and very possibly death. My husband squeezed my hand and spoke for me. Yes we understood. Yes we were prepared.

But no…I wasn’t.

I remember feeling so cold that the blanket tucked around my swollen body was about as effective as it could’ve been warming a block of ice. A new mother, never having held one of my children, I wasn’t at all prepared for the worst. In truth I wanted nothing to do with it.

In my mind’s eye I saw my children alive and healthy, growing and happy. From the first toddled steps to the first days of school; then on to camping trips, family vacations, and game days. That’s what I was prepared for. My heart, which others wanted me to coax into being ready for anything, was defiantly unyielding in its loyalty to the original plan. Come what may, problems and all, I wanted those babies.

But soon enough, as with every other time when my will has rushed to the frontlines of battle and tossed it’s proud locks, words buried in my core began to whisper what I knew all along to be true. It wasn’t my choice. And no amount of will could change that. Whether either twin would suck that first breath of God’s given air into their lungs, or pass quietly on to the call of their Maker, was out of my hands.

I had to lay before Him the desire of my heart – that He let my babies live – then lay my will flat-faced on the floor in submission to His, and accept whatever He chose for me. And in all that still know that He loves me, He is for me, and He is now and forever will be my King. As soon as I did that I had peace about the entire situation, and was finally prepared in the way the doctors and nurses wanted me to be prepared.

What strange creatures we are! What is it in us that makes us automatically think when we’re willing to let go of something we desperately want, it means we’ve already lost it? For at that time, though I still had hope, and I knew beyond doubt that God could not only let them live but make them completely healthy, I was internally cringing in preparation for loss.

I look back on that now, nine years which seem to have passed as quickly as nine glorious sunsets, and I can imagine Him looking down at me on that rather hard, sterile rollaway. His eyes full of compassion as He listened to the fears suppressed beneath my brave exterior. He knew I would love Him no matter what – perhaps He just wanted me to know it too – then He blessed me with two completely healthy, beautiful babies.

SAMSUNG DIGITAL CAMERA

twinsbday

My twins – His twins – turned nine recently. And as they reminisce over the fun they had bringing in the “big nine,” I sit back and look at them in celebration. Not just celebration for their lives, but also celebration of the worthy, mighty Father who gave them life. He who did not spare His own Son, spared both my son and my daughter.

And He is now, and will forever be, my King.

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest

Like this:

Like Loading...

Week 2 Book 2: A Review of Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman

11 Saturday May 2013

Posted by tanaramccauley in Book Reviews

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

book reviews, Christian image, Jesus fan or follower, kyle idleman, literature, not a fan, priorities, reading marathon, relationships, repentance, salvation, seven books in seven weeks, spiritual understanding, surrender, writing

not a fan

Got your church T-shirt? Your “Jesus is my co-pilot” bumper sticker? What about your WWJD bracelet?

Bible? Check! Some verses memorized? Check! Personalized tithe envelopes? You know this maaan!

Okay, okay. Now what about Jesus? You’ve got all the paraphernalia–the outward stuff that clothes you with the Christian image–but do you really have Jesus? Are you a fan, or are you a follower?

Uhhhhhhh……………..what you talkin’ bout Willis?

Willis isn’t here. But if you want to know what I’m talking about, pick up Kyle Idleman’s Not a Fan: Becoming a Completely Committed Follower of Jesus. Idleman uses an in-your-face and step-on-your-toes approach to distinguish between professors of Christ who are merely fans, and followers of Christ who are all in.

Kyle addresses several indicators of fandom. In short, they know about Jesus but don’t know Him, they praise Him with their mouths but their hearts are vacationing in self-ville, or in Kyle’s words, “They want to be close enough to Jesus to get all the benefits, but not so close that it requires anything from them.” Followers, however, don’t just put Jesus first. He is it. He is all. There is no competition.

Because the book is non-fiction and the theme very specific, it’s difficult for me to review it in-depth without giving away too much. What I can say is that it will challenge readers to do a great deal of self-reflection. It is written in such a way that, fan or follower, you cannot walk away from it without digging deep inside to see where your loyalties lie, whether they are divided, or even if somewhere along the way they’ve shifted.

Most of the time Idleman addresses the reader as if he/she is already a fan. Some might sit a little straighter at such presumption, but calm down. Following Christ is a daily calling, not a one time deal. And every opportunity to search the heart and “see if there is any wicked way” in it (Psalm 139:24) is time well spent. Remember: followers of Christ welcome a righteous rebuke, we don’t refuse it (Psalm 141:5).

If you’re a fan and you’re happy right where you are, my guess is Kyle’s message will seriously offend you. If you’re a fan but no longer want to be, it’ll challenge you to bolt out of the stands, suit up, and get to the business of living like a true follower of Jesus. If you’re already a follower you’ll identify if and when you tend to have seasons of fandom, or whether there are compartmentalized areas of your life where your spiritual weapon of choice is a set of frilly pom poms.

Where this book is concerned, I have to say I would qualify as a fan of the book. I am “an enthusiastic admirer” of the message and the style of writing. I laughed (hard), I cried (loud), and when I put it down I started calculating how much it was going to cost me to get one in the hands of way too many people. I found the personal testimonies particularly powerful. I gave it five out of five stars.

When it comes to Jesus, however, I am not a fan.

Click here for the list of the remaining books: Seven Books in Seven Weeks: The List .

Share this:

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest

Like this:

Like Loading...

Recent Posts

  • AWOL Writer Captured!
  • Reclaimed
  • Unseen

Categories

  • Writing and Pursuing Publication
  • Short Stories, Songs, and Poetry
  • Book Reviews
  • Faith, Relationships, and Other Topics
  • Website

Facebook

Facebook

Twitter

  • Marked as to-read: Sisters of the Resistance by Christine Wells goodreads.com/review/show/37… 1 month ago
Follow @tanaramccauley

What I’m Reading

Instagram

No Instagram images were found.

Subscribe in a reader

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

American Christian Fiction Writers Association

Blog at WordPress.com.

Cancel

 
Loading Comments...
Comment
    ×
    %d bloggers like this: